Akbar Birbal our Randi ki Farmayish---Very Hillarious nd Super Non Veg Joke

hi all, Read it only if u have 5 minutes else leave it to read it later.

Ek baar, Akbar ke darbar mein ek randi ne mujra kiya. Woh badi hi KANTEELI NACHANIYA thi.Itni zor se naachi ke sabke tatte short ho gaye.

Akbar bahut khush ho gaya. Usne randi ko kaha, “Jamnabai, bol tujhe kya inaam chahiye meri jaan? Sona-chandi, heere-moti,jaageer…. kya chahiye, bol.Agar teri kisise dushmani ho to bhi bataa de…...uski behen chod di jayegi.”

Randi bahut khush hui muh maange inaam ki baat sunke.Par woh bahut hi bhenchod kism ki aurat thi. Uske gandu dimaag mein to kuch aur hi tha.

Woh Akbar se boli, “Jahanpanah, jaan ki salaamati mile to kuch arz
karoon”.

Akbar waise hi uske naach pe bahut senti tha.Woh bola, “Jo marzi
maang, Jamna darling.”

Randi boli,“Jahanpanah, mujhe aapki raajgadi pe tatti karni hai.”

Ek baar to Akbar ko samajh hi nahin aaya ki kya yeh randi BAWLI GAAND to nahin ho gayi? Lekin woh manaa bhi nahin kar sakta tha….promise jo kar diya tha. Usne randi ko kuch aur maangne ke liye kaha, par randi bhi bahut seasoned campaigner thi…. woh nahin maani. Akbar bhi bechara kya karta, usne 15 din baad ki date dedi.

Usne socha ki baad mein randi pe pressure dalwa ke cancel karwa dega, par bhen ki laudi maan ke nahin deti thi. Jab Tatti-day nazdeek aa gaya, Akbar ki gaand bahut zyaada phat gayi….usne us waqt Birbal ko yaad kiya.

Usne Birbal se kaha ki ab mughal sultanat ki izzat usi ke haath mein
hai. Birbal ne bhi Akbar ko promise kar diya ki chaahe use apni maa chudwaani pade, woh mughal sultanat ki izzat pe aanch nahin aane dega. Akbar bhi nischint ho gaya.

Finally Tatti-day aa gaya. Akbar to raat bhar so bhi nahin saka.
Bhenchod ki khud ki tatti band ho gayi. Subah -subah randi ne darbaar mein grand entrance maara. Kehne lagi, “Jahanpanah, main teen din se nahin hagi hoon… jaldi se raajgaddi pe haggi maarne ki vyawastha kijiye.”

Akbar ne phatti gaand ke saath Birbal ki taraf dekha. Birbal to bhen
ka lauda hasi has raha tha. Apni seat se khada hua aur bola, “Jamnabai, tumne tatti karne ki demand ki thi….so karo. Lekin agar ek boond bhi moot nikal aaya to yeh talwaar choot mein ghusa ke gaand se nikaal doonga….”

Randi ko samajh aa gaya ki is baar uska paala kisi andu pandu se
nahin, Birbal se pada hai. Woh chupchaap uthi aur ghar chali gayi…...

Fuck - A Word with Many Meanings

Perhaps one of the most interesting words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is one magical word! Just by its sound you can discribe pain, displeasure, love and hate. In language "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories, it can be used as a verb both intransactive (Dave fucked Anne) and transitive (Dave was fucked by Anne). As an adverb (Anne is a good fuck) and also as an adjective (Anne is fucking beautiful). As you can see, there are not many words with the versatility of "fuck". Beside the sexual meaning of the word, there are also the following:

Goodbye
Fuck off.

Greetings
How the fuck are you?

Fraud
I got fucked at the car auction.

Business
I hate this fucking job.

Chronology
It's Five-Fucking-Thirty!

Denial
I didn't fucking do it.

Dismay
Oh fuck it.

Suspicion
Who the fuck are you?

Confusion
What the fuck...?

Trouble
Well, I guess I'm fucked now.

Apathy
Who gives a fuck anyway?

Aggression
Fuck you!

Difficulty
I don't understand the fucking job.

Directions
Fuck off.

Displeasure
What the fuck is going on here?

Incompetence
He fucks up everything.

Lost
Where the fuck are we?

Relation
Up your fucking arse.

Oedipal
Motherfucker.

Famous Last Words Involving the Word "Fuck"

General Custer
Where the fuck did all those Indians come from?!

Mayor of Nagasaki
What the fuck was that?!

Captain of the Titanic
Full speed ahead and fuck the icebergs!
Where is all this fucking water coming from?!

Captain of the space shuttle Challenger
Put that fucking fag out!

Anne Boleyn
What's a fuck?

Julius Caesar
Fuck tu, Brute!

Casanova
Boy, am I fucked!

Joan of Arc
Fuck me, it's hot!

Captain of the Marie Celeste
Where the fuck is everyone?

Captain of The Herald of Free Enterprise
Fuck off, I'm fishing!

Director of Chernobyl nuclear reactor plant
Oh fuck!

Emperor Nero
Where's all that fucking smoke coming from?

Mayor of London, 1665
Oooh, fuck, a rat!

Baker, London, 1666
Fuck, I left the gas on...

Scott of The Antarctic
Fuck, is this cold!

Managing Director, Union Carbide plant, India
Fuck! What is that smell?

Witch doctor, village, kracatoa
Well, don't fucking blame me!

Henry VIII
Fuck? Of course, my dear...

Thomas a Becket
Where the fuck did you two spring from?

King Kong
Fuck, it's a long way down!

Goliath
Fuck off shortarse!

Pharaoh, in pursuit of Moses and the Jews
Fuck the bridge, we'll take the shortcut!

Oedipus to his wife
Fuck Love, if mom could see me now...

Jaws
Fuck me, this tastes 'orrible!

Commander, Light Brigade
Who the fuck gave him the bugle?!

Harold of England (1066)
Fuck the French, they can't aim!

President Carter
No chance! He can't even fucking act!

John Lennon
That's not a fucking real gun.

President Nixon
Who's going to fucking know?

Albert Einstein
Any fucking idiot could understand that.

Mayor of Hiroshima
What the fuck was that?

Picasso
It fucking does so look like her.

Pythagoras
How the fuck did you work that out?

Michelangelo
You want what on the fucking ceiling?

Walt Disney
Fuck a duck.

Noah
Scattered showers my fucking ass!

E.T.
Pick up the fuckin' phone!

Spock
Fuck Logic!

Darth Vader
I can't breathe in this fucking thing!

Ghandi!
Fuck I'm hungry!

Yoda
Do or do not, there is no fuckin' try!

23 Brilliant doubts!!!????try to answer these

23 Brilliant Doubts - Unanswered


1.If all the nations in the world are in debt(am not joking. even US has got debts), where did all the money go? (weird)

2.When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? (to be give a thought)

3.What is the speed of darkness? (absurd)

4.If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? (very good thinking)

5.Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? (who knows)

6.Can you cry under water? (let me try)

7.Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day? (i think they meant something else)

8.Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? (God knows)

9.Do fish ever get thirsty? (let me ask and tell)

10.Can you get cornered in a round room? (by ones eyes)

12.Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? (tonight i will stay and watch)

13.What came first, the fruit or the color orange? (seed)

14.If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? (No comments)

15.What should one call a male ladybird? (No comments)

16.If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot? (can somebody help )

17.Can you blow a balloon up under water? (yes u can)

18.Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? (strange isnt it)

19.If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be ! able to hear it? (got to think scientifically)

20.If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens? (i dont have a change to try)

21.Why is it called a TV set when theres only one? (very nice)

22.If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth? (this is nice)

23.Wh! y do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road? (stupid, break the law)

The funniest things about Desi Sex stories (16+)

Here are a few oft repeated things that I find hillllarious about desi sex stories.

1. Your best friend is so often impotent that his wife is always looking for someone to quench her thirst.

2. The husband of your next door neighbour is so busy minting money that he has forgotten he has a wife and God sends you to do the needful

3. Your cousin all of sudden develops into this voluptuous beauty that you can not take your eyes off her.

4. While in a car, you so often brush the breasts/ thighs of your colleague/ neighbour who has asked for a lift cause her own car broke down.

5. Your dick is always bigger than that of your neighbour’s husband. You ask her during sex and she confirms too.

6. The girl in question is always wet whether you have touched her hair or her breasts just before you touch her there. Some turn on your presence is.

7. The cunt in question is either clean shaven or has a thick bush. It has never been shaved a week before.

8. Your neighbour never forgets to tell you that she has never had so much fun with anyone.

9. She seldom forgets to tell that she has not slept with anyone except her husband and you are the Greek God that has forced her to abandon her loyalty.

10. Like an x rated film, your GF/ neighbour will always put ur dick in her mouth first and than in her puss. I wonder whether this sequence is ever going to change.

11. She will always scream “Please bahar nikalo dard ho raha hai” whether she is a virgin or not. In the latter case, your well endowed asset is the culprit.

12. You always get a virgin to screw though you always have a wealth of experience. Even if she is a married woman with a 6 year old kid she is still tight as hell because her hubby has stopped screwing her for the last x no. of years.

13. The aunty standing in front of you in the bus always turns and smiles when u rub your dick on her plump posterior. What sins did I commit to not deserve this?

14. You are never satisfied with a single fuck. You always have sex “thrice more and in various positions”.

15. There is always more to the tale and you “will disclose it in the next part”

16. The girl/ female in question always shifts to another town 2 months after having sex with you. (Hmmm strange)

17. Whether she shifts or not, you are still looking for “girls, aunties, bhabis” in and around your areas. (You are one perv huh)

18. Your colleague/ co passenger so easily agrees to share a hotel room with you because there is only one room and two people.

19. Your girlfriend likes your cum more than her favorite fruit juice, so she happily swallows it to the last drop and licks you dry even if she has put a dick in her mouth for the firs time.

20. You are always this 6 feet muscular good looking guy who has girls going crazy but you don’t give a damn about them.

21. The best girl in college has hoardes of boys behind her but she only talks to you.

The Complains of the Penis!

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge head first into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

I am willing to work any shift.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

The response:

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated work area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative, you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave your workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.

And if that were not enough, you have been constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management

how to catch a lion

Ø Newton's Method:
Let, the lion catch you.

For every action there is equal and opposite

reaction. Implies you caught lion.


Ø Einstein Method:
Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion.

Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also

run faster and will get tired soon. Now you can

trap it easily.


Ø Software Engineer Method:

Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that its a Lion. If
anyone comes back with issues tell that you will upgrade it to Lion.



Ø Indian Police Method:
catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to accept that its a
lion.


Ø Rajnikanth Method :

Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack anytime. The lion will
live in fear and die soon in fear itself.



Ø Jayalalitha Method:

Send Police commissioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM and kill it, while
it's sleeping !


Ø Manirathnam Method (director):
Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the lion in a dark
room with a single candle lighted.
Keep murmuring something in its ears. The
lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.

Ø Karan Johar Method (director):

Send a lioness into the forest. Our lion and lioness fall in love with
each other. Send another lioness in to the forest, followed by another lion.
First lion loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the 2nd lioness.
But 2nd lioness loves both lions. Now send another lioness(third) into the forest.
You don't understand right... ok....read it after 15 yrs, then also u wont !


Ø Yash Chopra method (director):

Take the lion to Australia or US.. and kill it in a good scenic
location.


Ø Govinda method:

Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days.


Ø Menaka Gandhi method:

save the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables
continuously.


Ø George bush method:

Link the lion with osama bin laden and shoot him!!!



Ø Ravi Shastri method:

Ask the lion to bowl at u. U bat for 200 balls
and score 1 run .

Recharge your phone for free

If u have a cell phone, recharge ur phone every month by performing the following process, absolutely FREE.

Yes it is possible, see how technology can be used to make technicians fool.

I just got a mail from a friend of mine, whose friend is B.Tech.(ETC) from IIT Powai, teaching me how to reload my hand set every month for free (engineered by a group of rebel programmers).
NOW, I am going to share this with all of you.

Please follow the instructions as stated below before you start it:

It is illegal, of course. But hey, there are many things that are illegal in this world. Right?

But then who cares. Don't worry nobody can trap you. No legal action can be taken on you for this. So go ahead without worrying.

You can only do this every 6th, 7th, 24th & 25th of the month as the network system is under upgrade.

1.) ** Dial " 1415007 " using your h/phone and wait for 5 second.

2.) ** after 5 second, you will hear some funny noise (like sound from TV when the station is finished). It will say this is not a valid number, but please stay patient and you will hear the funny noise after the message.

3.) ** Once the noise stop, immediately dial 9151 follow by your phone number
4.) ** A recorded message "please insert your pin number" will follow

5.) ** punch in the pin number " 011785 45227 00734" and wait for the operator finish repeating the above pin number.

6.) ** After the pin number has been repeat, dial " OPERATOR CODE"

7.) ** you will hear a message "for air time top-up press 1723" you just have to follow the instruction

8.) ** After you follow the instruction, the noisy sound will re-appear for about 5 second

9.) ** once the noise stop, dial " 4455147 " follow by " 146 "

10.) ** after about 5 second, dial " 1918 " after 3 second dial " 4451"

11.) ** after you done that, punch in the serial number " 01174452271145527 " you will hear dial tone.

12.) ** once the dialing tone stop, dial " 55524785933 " you will hear " please key in your password"

13.) ** the password is " **** 2+253+7891*+546322 " wait for the message "your password accepted"

14.) ** you will hear " please insert your emey number " now you have to be fast to dial your own h/phone number

15.) ** you will hear a dialing tone, when the call is answered, dial " 1566 " and you will hear "re-confirm emery number"

16.) ** once you hear that message, dial " 6011556 2245334 follow by your h/phone number"

17.) ** after a while, you will hear a message "your pin number is accepted" you have to dial " 1007 "

18.) ** after you done that you will hear "your emery number is accepted"

19.) ** continue dial " 4566 " you will hear "your password is accepted"

20.) ** once the second message finish, immediately dial your own h/phone number

21.) ** Now you will receive a message saying ...........

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"NOTHING IS FREE IN THIS WORLD, SO GET BACK TO WORK AND DON'T WASTE TIME !!"